I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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