Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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