my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
