In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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