apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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