First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
