your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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