I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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