Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
