What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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