you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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