So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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