Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
