either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
