Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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