I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize