After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize