ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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