Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
