this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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