Swine flu. Run for my life!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just threw up on my dentist
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
