i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
