All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
