I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
