They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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