any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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