I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
