I feel great
I just peed on a car
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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