I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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