After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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