It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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