be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
