my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
