i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
