Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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