My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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