You smell like a Billy Joel song
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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