He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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