Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Can Purell be used as lube?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
