Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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