grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
