I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
