I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
