from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
