I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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