So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
