tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
