I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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