i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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