made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
