i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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