someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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