I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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