just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
