just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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