Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
