That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize
