I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize