you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
3 2 1 whiskey
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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