Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
