Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
