I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We just shotgunned beers for America
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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